


Seto's No Good, Very Bad Day of Awfulness and Absolutely No Coffee

by lucidscreamer



Series: Gainful Employment Series [9]
Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Coffee, Gen, Humor, Kaiba Corporation, Living Shadows, Shadow Realm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2019-10-15 05:28:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17522759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucidscreamer/pseuds/lucidscreamer
Summary: On any ordinary day, when Seto entered his office he expected to find one of the following conditions:a) There was coffee. (This was the ideal state.)b) Failing that, there was at least thepotentialfor coffee, in the form of a ridiculously expensive coffee making machine, plus all the associated paraphernalia (including but not limited to: an assortment of gourmet coffee beans, deluxe electric grinders for said beans, gold filters, and triple-filtered imported spring water from some unpronouncable place in Switzerland).Unfortunately, the situation which actually confronted Seto was both the  lack of (a) coffee or (b) coffee in potentia. Which added up to (c) Yami (AKA He Who Lived to Make Seto's Life Miserable).





	1. In which Seto discovers there is no coffee, but hope springs eternal.

Chapter 1

(In which Seto discovers that there is no coffee, but hope springs eternal.)

 

It wasn't widely known, but Seto Kaiba did, in fact, enjoy mornings. He wasn't one of those obnoxious souls who woke up with a smile on their face and a song in their heart. (And if such a person got within five feet of Seto at any hour of the day, he'd make certain they regretted it.) But early mornings at a residence the size of the Kaiba estate tended to be peaceful (when you were the owner) and quiet (until Mokuba woke up), and they were filled with the delightful aroma of freshly brewed coffee awaiting Seto's awakening.

Except this morning. On this particular morning, there was no coffee.

Not in his bedroom, where a tray should have been perched on the table by the windows. Not, when he ventured downstairs (still in his silk pajamas because he'd been too befuddled by the lack of caffeine to even think of getting dressed), in the kitchen. And not in the coffee-maker in his home office. And it wasn't just an lack of prepared coffee. No. There were also no coffee beans in the pantry, no ground coffee in the cannister, not even -- and he shuddered to think of it -- any _instant coffee_ anywhere in the house.

If he were a lesser man, Seto would have been near tears when he finished his search and came up coffeeless. As it was, he consoled himself with the knowledge that there was coffee in his office at Kaiba Corp. Despite the anomaly of no cofee at home, there had never failed to be coffee at work.

So, Seto quickly dressed in one of his tailored business suits (for once, he simply grabbed whatever was closest rather than deliberating over the impression he wanted to make) and rushed out to his waiting town car for the drive to Kaiba Corp Tower and the life-giving liquid he knew would be brewing in the corner of his office.

　


	2. In which things go from bad to worse, but hope endures.

Chapter 2

(In which things go from bad to worse, but hope endures.)

When Seto entered the KC tower, there was a staticky feeling of electricity in the air, along with the scent of ozone and the faint, metallic tang of something that might be blood. So, a typical Tuesday since Yami Mutou had started working for Kaiba Corp.

As usual Seto did his level best to pretend that whatever impending apocalypse Yami was engendering was only hapening to other people, and made a determined beeline for his office. He also tried to pretend he didn't notice that the shadows of the potted plants -- which, for some inexplicable reason, had recently infested the corridors of his formerly sleek and ultra-modern office tower -- were shifting in ways that defied the laws of physics as generally understood by everyone who wasn't the Pharaoh. If one looked closely enough (which Seto didn't), they were, in fact, playing a game of tag as they circled the large terra cotta planters.

Instead of lamenting his latest loss of sanity (and wondering why, if the universe insisted on putting planters in his hallways they couldn't at least be chrome), Seto kept his eyes on the prize: the doors to his office, beyond which lay a small, polished steel and black granite table tucked into an unobtrusive corner, and on which rested the holy grail of his work-day mornings.

The Deluxe Coffeenator 3000.

Mere feet from the office doors, something dark, sleek, and slithery peeked out at him from the fronds of the dwarf palm framing one side of the corridor just before it widened into the outer reception area where his secretary's desk was parked.

"I can't see you," Seto informed the thing flatly, while staring directly at it. "In fact, you don't exist. So, go away."

The shadow thing stuck out its tongue (or the shadowy equivalent thereof), blew him a raspberry, and vanished back into the inexplicable greenery.

With as much dignity as he could muster, Seto flung himself at the doors to his office. Fortunately for the state of his face, they were unlocked and flew open when he crashed into them. He hurried over to the coffee-maker in the corner--

\--and gaped in stunned horror at the empty polished surface of the black granite table top. The black granite table top which was totally devoid of all aspects of the blessed art of coffee creation, most especially his custom coffee-maker.

He stuck one hand out and flailed it through the empty space where his extremely expensive Coffeenator 3000 was supposed to reside. It continued to fail to be there.

Cautiously, he crept closer and placed his hand flat on the cool, slick surface of the granite. When coffee and/or the maker thereof remained stubbornly absent, he pressed both hands to the table top, bit back a whimper, and forced his sluggish, undercaffeinated brain to process the situation.

On any ordinary day, when Seto entered his office he expected to find one of the following conditions:

a) There was coffee. (This was the ideal state.)

b) Failing that, there was at least the _potential_ for coffee, in the form of a ridiculously expensive coffee making machine, plus all the associated paraphernalia (including but not limited to: an assortment of gourmet coffee beans, deluxe electric grinders for said beans, gold filters, and triple-filtered imported spring water from some unpronouncable place in Switzerland).

Therefore, logically, at this very minute he should either be in the presence of a freshly brewed pot of the elixir of life _or_ the necessary acoutrements for achieving said state.

Unfortunately, logic had gone out the window the same day Yami Mutou had come in the door. So, the situation which _actually_ confronted Seto was both the lack of (a) coffee or (b) coffee _in potentia_. Which added up to (c) _Yami_ (AKA He Who Lived to Make Seto's Life Miserable).

Seto gave one last, despondent look at his coffee-less coffee corner before spinning on his heel and stalking back out of his (completely devoid of coffee) office. As he strode past his secretary's (coffee-free) desk, he growled, "Hold all my calls. I've got to go murder my VP of Discord."

"Shall I let Mr. Mutou know you're coming, sir?" she asked, without even batting an eye at either the threat of homicide against an officer of the company or the facetious title her boss had just applied to said potential murder victim.

An inarticulate growl was the only response Seto could force through his clenched teeth. His molars creaked under the strain.

"Very good, sir."

It occured to Seto as he stepped back into the (java-less) elevator for the ride down to Yami's floor that either R&D had finally gotten around to replacing his secretary with an android or his employees were disturbingly accustomed to the weirdness that passed for office culture at Kaiba Corp HQ.

He was still wondering whether he should be worried about that as the elevator doors began gliding shut. Just before the they closed, the hallway Shadow popped its head up and waved cheekily at him from its potted palm.

　

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my birthday, but you guys get a present: multiple fic uploads. ;D


	3. In which Seto discovers that hope may be 'the thing with feathers,' but that only makes it easier for it to fly away. And there's still no coffee.

Chapter 3

(In which Seto discovers that hope may be 'the thing with feathers,'

but that only makes it easier for it to fly away. And there's still no coffee.)

 

　

Seto stormed into the jungle that passed for Yami's office (there was not any immediately apparent sign of actual coffee in the office, though there was something that might have been a coffee _plant_ flourishing in one corner) and snarled, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't murder you where you stand."

"Because Yugi will give you the Sad Eyes of Pure-Hearted Disappointment if you do." Yami didn't even look around from where he was giving his bonsai (named, if one believed the neat lettering on its container, "Buckaroo") a haircut with a tiny pair of silver scissors.

"...Fuck." Yugi's disappointed eyes were lethal, even to Seto. (And he put about as much stock in Yugi's opinion of him as he did in the sanity of Maximillion Pegasus. Which was to say, _none_.) If Yugi ever taught the Sad Eyes of Pure-Hearted Disappointment to Mokuba, Seto might as well sign the company over to the kid and take up crocheting.

Apparently finished futzing with his, frankly disturbing, indoor garden, Yami circled around his desk and took a seat in the decadent office chair he'd acquired from somewhere. He waved a gracious hand toward the visitor's chair facing him and waited until Seto had gingerly seated himself before continuing. "So, what brings you and your death threats to my door so early this fine morning?"

Oh, dear gods. How had Seto never noticed this glaring character flaw in his unwanted employee?

"You're a _morning person_!" he accused, in the same tone most people reserved for saying 'mass murderer' or 'Republican.' It was one thing for Seto to enjoy a quiet morning himself, but there was no need for anyone to be perky about it. Also, a perky Yami was somewhat more terrifying than the usual flavor. Since usual flavor Yami was terrifying enough to put the people who opposed him into comas, Seto felt justified in his horror at this development.

Yami blinked at him in apparent confusion. "And you... came here to tell me that?"

"What? _No_. I don't... _fucking_... that's not... _gah_!"

"Eloquent."

"...Shut up." Only sheer willpower kept Seto from pouting.

Yami gave him an amused look. "You're touchy when you're undercaffienated."

And that reminded Seto why he was voluntarily subjecting himself to Yami's presence in the first place.

"Exactly!" He aimed an accusatory finger at Yami's face. "And _why_ am I undercaffienated? Because some asshole stole all my coffee!"

Very pointedly, Yami lifted a delicate, bone china teacup and sipped the pink liquid inside it. Seto scowled at him. Something about this picture wasn't computing... Finally, the relevant UNIVAC in Seto's sluggish brain threw out a punch card. (Ordinarily, Seto's brain was at least a Cray, but at the rate his brain cells were withering under his caffeine deficit, he was headed toward stone circles and knotted cords.)

Seto glared at the vibrant pink liquid as if it had offended his ancestors. (It was certainly offending his everything else.) The liquid was almost the same color as the _frou_ - _frou_ cabbage roses decorating the ridiculous chintz tea cup holding it. "That's not coffee."

"No," Yami agreed, taking another slow sip. "It's _karkade_."

"I hear there's a salve for that these days."

"Hibiscus flower tea," Yami clarified, ignoring the jibe and pouring a fresh cup from a matching rose-covered teapot. He set the steaming concoction in front of Seto, who glared at it. "Try it."

"I don't want _tea_ \--" Seto snarled the word like a curse. "--I want _coffee_."

Yami ignored him. "Drink your _karkade_. It's good for you. _Calming_." This was intoned rather pointedly. "It's purported to lower one's blood pressure if consumed regularly and in sufficient quantities."

Since Seto was fairly certain his blood pressure was currently in the stratosphere, he'd have to drink approximately an oil-tanker full of the stuff for it to have an impact. Fortunately, there was an easier, less tea-filled solution to his problems.

"If you know what's good for _you_ , you'll give me back my Coffeenator 3000." Seto missed his Coffeenator. It was the limited edition, platinum version with programmable memory and built in milk frother. And a tiny Blue-Eyes White Dragon sticker that Mokuba had stuck on the back and that Seto pretended not to notice, while simultaneously dubbing the machine the Blue-Eyes White Coffeenator in the privacy of his own head. Feeling suddenly magnanimous, he added, "I won't even ask why you took it."

"That's very generous of you," Yami said, watching him over the rim of his teacup. He sipped placidly at his noxious pink brew.

Hope flared in Seto's chest. "Then you'll give it back?"

"No."

Hope crashed and burned, dying a painful, flaming death on the airfield of Seto's imagination. In a voice far too plaintive for his own comfort, Seto asked, " _Why not_?"

"Simple." Yami set his cup and saucer on the tea tray in front of him, then folded his hands neatly on the desk in front of him and leaned forward a bit, as if imparting some secret wisdom. "Because _I don't have it_."

"...I don't believe you."

"Nevertheless, it remains the truth. I didn't take your coffee making machine, therefore I do not have it to return to you."

" _Ha_!" Seto's hands clenched into fists.

"You seem very tense, Kaiba." Yami nudged the teacup of liquid pink hell toward him again. "Why don't you drink your _karkade_?"

"Why don't you finally make yourself useful around here and get me some coffee?" Seto shot back, and shoved himself back to his feet. Then he stood there, swaying slightly from the head rush and uncertain of where he had intended to go. Dammit, why hadn't he just stopped at Starbucks on the way to work? He was rich; it wasn't like even their over-inflated prices would have made a dent in his wallet. Also, he was going to fire the cook or the housekeeper, or whoever the fuck was supposed to stock his kitchen with coffee and had failed in that supremely important task, thus resulting in this morning from the deepest pits of coffee-deprived hell.

Yami reached out and, with the push of his index finger against Seto's shoulder, somehow sent him flailing back into the visitor's chair. Seto glared at him, which Yami blithely ignored (as usual).

The pink liquid was positioned in front of him once more. This time, Yami's tone brooked no arguments when he ordered, " _Drink_."

Seto snatched up the teacup, fully intending to fling its contents in Yami's face -- and found that he had downed half the cup before he managed to wrestle back control of his traitorous limbs. He glared at his own hand holding the teacup, then shrugged and slugged back the remainder of the drink. _In for a penny_...

"There," said Yami, sounding smug. "That wasn't so bad, was it?"

Somehow both tart and sweet, like a tangier version of lemonade but without the citrusy bite, the _karkade_ was actually pretty tasty. Seto _would go to his grave_ before admitting this aloud, especially within the pharaoh's hearing.

"Whatever," he sneered. This time when he shoved himself to his feet, he made immediately for the door, hoping to get out of the room before his body betrayed him again.

"Leaving so soon?" Yami said, sounding darkly amused.

"There's a coffee thief somewhere in this company," Seto growled without looking back. "I intend to find them-- and possibly feed them to the Blue-Eyes White Dragon." _After_ they'd returned his Blue-Eyes White Coffeenator, of course.

"She prefers fish to human sacrifice," Yami noted casually.

For his own sanity, Seto decided not to ask exactly how Yami had come by that particular bit of trivia. "I'll take that under advisement," he drawled instead, and booked it out the door before Yami could force-feed him any more noxious ( ~~delicious~~ ) pink substances.

　

　


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

(In which Seto discovers that the universe hates him, hope is dead, and there is still no coffee.)

　

After a thorough 'surprise inspection' of break rooms, store rooms, cubicles, labs, and offices had turned up zero Coffeenators (or even a single, vastly inferior coffe-maker), Seto had retreated to his office to rethink his strategy. Clearly, this coffee thief was a wiley adversary. (Which led him right back Yami, who continued to assert his innocence. It was a vicious cycle. Also, Seto was beginning to feel the first pangs of a caffeine withdrawal headache. _Ugh_.)

Desperate, he sent a gofer to the nearest coffee shop with orders to buy them out. The gofer returned with a cup of hot tea and a terrified expression, and explained that the shop had been cleaned out before he got there. Seto fired him on the spot. (He also forced down the tea, which somewhat helped his headache, but did nothing to sate his coffee craving.)

The same thing happened with the next four low-level peons, each one sent further into the city in search of a coffee shop or store that actually had coffee. The last one brought back _herbal tea_ , and it was all Seto could do not to throw it at his soon-to-be-ex-employee. The chamomile -- and the irate call from HR about the spate of sudden firings -- did nothing to lift his mood.

So, naturally, that was when Yami chose to stroll into his office with a fresh cup of _karkade_ , which he set on the desk in front of Seto. Then he stood there, arms folded across his chest, and watched Seto like a raptor waiting for an unwary rabbit to poke its head up out of the weeds.

"I was a terrible person in a past life, wasn't I?" Having directed this rhetorical question to his stuffed penguin, Seto was not prepared to get an answer from Yami.

"Hm, annoying, sometimes. Grumpy, certainly," the Pharaoh said, in a considering tone as he gazed into the distance (or possibly the distant past). "But I wouldn't say 'terrible.' Not often, anyway."

"What are you babbling about?"

Yami's gaze sharpened and refocused on Seto. "Oh, come now. You're not still trying to pretend you weren't one of my high priests in ancient Egypt? I thought we'd gotten past that nonsense."

This was not a conversation Seto was prepared to have on no coffee. Or ever. But most especially not on no coffee. "I hate you."

"Have I mentioned that we were cousins?"

Seto froze for a long moment as the true horror of that statement rippled down his spine and settled like a ball of ice in his stomach. Related. By blood. _To the Pharaoh_. (Seto was pretty sure he could feel his DNA attempting to rewrite itself in self-defense.) It was official: the universe hated him. At the moment, the feeling was entirely mutual.

Flame-hot rage at the unfairness of everything ever swept through him, melting the ice in his guts and turning his vision liquid red. He could feel his pulse pounding in his _teeth_. The roaring in his ears drowned out the sounds of the office--

It took a few seconds for Seto to realize that the roaring was a physical sound and not his head trying to explode with well-deserved indignation.

"Uh-oh," said Yami, with deceptive mildness.

And the world erupted like a blue-white volcano.

　


	5. (Seto hates his life, the universe, and everything. Hope is a zombie attempting to eat his coffee-deprived brain.

Seto wasn't sure if he'd gone blind or if it was just the blind rage that was turning the world around him white. After one of those suspended moments in which time seems to have stalled, his vision returned and he found himself staring at the smoking hole where his office had been. Half his desk was missing, along with most of the floor. His ceiling had been replaced by a "skylight" that was open to the actual sky. A pigeon fluttered through the opening and came to rest on the melted remains of his computer. He stared at the bird. It stared back at him and then crapped on what was left of his desk.

That summed up Seto's ~~day~~ life quite nicely.

Then it occurred to him that the hole was precisely where Yami had been standing and suddenly things were looking up... Until he realized that if Yami had actually been vaporized, then Seto was the one who was going to have to explain it to _Yugi_ and suddenly things were grim again.

 _Damn it_ , Seto thought and dropped his head down onto his desk. He really needed some fucking coffee...

And a wet wipe, since he'd just noticed that his forehead had landed precisely in the pigeon poop.

　

o0o

　

As it turned out, unlike the majority of Seto's office, Yami had not in fact been vaporized. Unfortunately.

Instead, Seto found him lounging against an intact wall and staring up at Seto's new skylight. Because that was a useful reaction to finding yourself in a half-vaporized office. Too bad he wasn't closer to the hole in the floor or Seto would've been tempted to "accidentally" bump him into it.

"How," Seto demanded, and was gratified when it garnered Yami's attention. "How did you -- we -- survive that? And don't say 'magic' or I swear I will push you into this hole and laugh maniacally while waiting for you to go 'splat' at the bottom."

Yami just looked at him and raised one eyebrow. It was the most condescending raised eyebrow Seto had ever been subjected to. He almost pushed Yami into the hole just on principle.

Seto spent the next minute and a half trying to form a word that wasn't an expletive in any of the seven languages he spoke.

Finally, he managed, "What the hell were you staring at, anyway?"

Yami pointed upward. Squinting, Seto could just make out something small and shiny perched precariously on the edge of the remains of the roof far above them.

"What is that?" he muttered, mostly to himself.

"That, unless I'm very much mistaken... which I'm not," said Yami, in an unneccessarily smug tone, "is your Coffeenator 3000."

Hope flared in Seto's chest --

\-- just as the Coffeenator wobbled, tipped, _and fell from its ledge_.

He made a lunge for it as it sped past him, but Yami -- the bastard -- grabbed onto Seto and prevented him from following his beloved coffee maker as it plunged to its probable doom in the depths of the Kaiba Corp tower.

　

 


	6. Fuck hope. Seto is giving up and becoming a steampunk sky-pirate. Who drinks TEA.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter plus a very brief epilogue.

Eventually, Seto calmed down enough that Yami deigned to allow him to accompany Yami down into the bowels of the tower to find out what the hell caused the explosion.

What they found, once they'd walked down about a million stairs and fought their way through the piles of debris surrounding the basement level R&D labs, was...

And here Seto had to pause for another deep breath because the sight before him was both mindboggling and ridiculous, and his brain was having to process it in increments to avoid total shutdown.

In the center of the former R&D lab in which she had first appeared, the Blue-Eyes White Dragon was comfortably ensconced on her nest of battered computers, office chairs, and lab equipment. Apparently not content with the available offerings, she had somehow added to her nest in the form of every bit of coffee-related paraphernalia in the tower. In fact, as Seto watched, a slinky shadow form oozed into the room with a bag of French Roast in its mouth and deposited it onto the hoard with a little bow of its slender head. The Blue-Eyes accepted this as her due and used her snout to reposition the bag to her liking.

Looking more closely, Seto could see many more bags of coffee beans and ground coffee, even jars of instant coffee, tucked into the mess piled in the center of the room like a giant layer cake with the Blue-Eyes as an oversized cake-topper. He'd never seen so much coffee in one place; in fact, he wouldn't be surprised to find it was every bit of coffee in Domino City.

 _Coffee, coffee everywhere and nary a drop to drink_ , sing-songed a mad little voice in his head.

"Well," said Yami, from where he was observing more shadows arriving to lay their coffee offerings at the feet of the Blue-Eyes. "This certainly explains a lot."

"On what planet?" Seto demanded. Though if Yami thought this made sense, it definitely explained a lot about why Earth logic never seemed to apply to him. "What the hell does she think she's doing?"

"Hoarding coffee, apparently."

"No, really? I thought she had taken up knitting." Seto curled his fingers into claws and just barely stopped himself from attempting to strangle the pharaoh. "Why is the Blue-Eyes White Dragon hoarding coffee in my basement?!"

"Because she wants to, I presume." Yami's eyes twinkled with far too much good humor for Seto's peace of mind.

Seto opened his mouth to say something that would probably get him Mind Crushed, when one of the shadows slithered up and bowed deeply to Yami. He looked down at it. "Yes?"

The shadow nudged its "nose" against Yami's boot. Yami bent down and let the thing twine itself around his hand and wrist like a pet snake made of pure darkness. He brought it to eye-level and stared at it for a long moment before returning it to the floor, where it slithered off to, presumably, steal more coffee for the Blue-Eyes.

"Are you aware that the employee health office is on the level directly above this one?" Yami asked, apropos of nothing.

Confused by the non-sequitur, Seto nodded.

"It seems that some dragons have particularly acute hearing," Yami said, continuing his streak of making zero sense and apparently going for some kind of record.

"What does any of this have to do with coffee hoards and--" Seto's eye caught on the melted remains of his Deluxe Coffeenator 3000. He fought the urge to sob. "--my coffee maker."

"Apparently she overheard some of your employees talking about giving up coffee due to health problems and--" Yami paused to clear his throat and Seto realized the bastard was trying not to laugh. "--decided to pre-empt any ailments you might acquire from your coffee habit by removing your source of the beverage."

His gaze wandered to the extremely defunct Coffeenator. "Someone must have let it slip that that--" Yami pointed to the puddle of sludge formerly known as Seto's coffee maker. "--was your favorite method of making coffee and she, um, eliminated the enemy with extreme prejudice."

"And took most of the tower with it." And they'd only just replaced the ceiling in the test lab, too.

The smirk Yami had been suppressing broke free of containment. "She meant well."

"You do realize this means I have to relocate everyone while the tower is being rebuilt."

"Might I suggest you use the opportunity during the renovation to construct a more appropriate home for your dragon?"

"I've got a suggestion for you--" Seto bit back said suggestion (which included the words "your", "shove", and "ass" (not neccessarily in that order), and would definitely get him Mind Crushed). He sighed and tried to look on the bright side.

At least he now had a perfectly good excuse to ship Yami off to Kaiba Corp Antarctica.

　

Epilogue

　

Unfortunately for Seto's peace of mind (and the expansion of Kaiba Corp to yet another continent), Yugi convinced Yami of the unfairness of leaving Seto to deal with the dragon-induced destruction at Kaiba Corp. on his own. So, with the help of the Shadows and various Duel Monsters summoned from their realm, Yami arranged the repairs and (in what he considered an extremely generous act) blurred the memories of all involved in the already infamous Day of No Coffee.

When Seto awoke the next morning he would have only vague images of the previous day -- and a new Prestige Coffeenator 3000 as a replacement for his beloved Deluxe model. He would never even notice the switch or clearly recall the events making it neccessary.

　

THE END

 


End file.
